Wednesday, December 14, 2011

My Nightmare Before Christmas!

A Recurring Nightmare...
I've been having this dream for years...it's Christmas Eve and I haven't decorated the house or purchased any presents.  It's 5:30 p.m. and Wal*Mart closes at 6:00.  I race around the store trying to find a pair of pink Hello Kitty pajamas that will fit my youngest daughter, but there are no pajamas to be found.  I can't find anything for my husband or little boy Greg. I'm desperate!  I go home and try to decorate the tree.  Nothing works.  I wake up covered in sweat and drowning in guilt.  I don't know why I dream this...I've always been prepared...sometimes weeks in advance.  But I still have this fear of having to buy all my gifts at a convenience store. A few years ago I wrote a poem about it in the hopes of driving the dream away.


My Nightmare Before Christmas...
"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
Merchants were closing their little shops down.
The K-Mart employees were snug in their beds
While visions of clearance sales danced in their heads.

As George snored on the couch (It's a Wonderful Life!)
I assembled the toys like a dutiful wife.
When inside my head there arose such a clatter,
George stirred in his sleep, mumbling "Hey, what's the matter?"


Away to the bedroom I flew like a flash,
Grabbing my coat and my car keys and cash.
Because what to my wondering eyes did appear?
"All the presents I bought for the In-laws aren't here!"

I knew I had better provide for them quick,
Since my husband has never been known as "St. Nick."
More rapid than eagles my Minivan came,
And I sobbed and I shouted and called them by name.

Convenience Store Gift Ideas:
Little Tree Fresheners are Festive!

"Now K-Mart!  Now Kohlers!  Now dear old Fred Meyer!
On A-1 Appliance where I once bought a dryer!"
From the end of the town to the end of the mall,
I dashed away, dashed away, checking them all.

Like a psychic who sees her own doom from afar,
When I meet with an accident...got out of my car.
I had parked on the asphalt in front of the door
Of the only open convenience store.


And then in a twinkling I heard from the back,
A voice bellow "Shut up yer barkin', Jack!"
As I opened the door and was looking around,
From the backroom a humanoid came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black from his head to his foot,
And I swear that a knife had been stuck in his boot.
Two six-packs of Coors was what he was packing,
And he looked like a biker with I.Q. points lacking.


Tasty and Individually Wrapped for Stocking Stuffing Convenience.

His eyes, they were bleary.  He didn't have dimples.
His cheeks were quite grimy, his nose covered with pimples.
His mean little mouth was drawn up in a sneer.
And the beard on his chin wasn't shaved in a year.

The butt of a cigar was clenched tight in his teeth,
And the smoke smelled just like an old outhouse...Good Grief!
He had six tattoos and a protruding belly
That jiggled obscenely.  My word was he smelly!


The gift you can only rent...not buy!


George likes these in his stocking.

He was surly and mean, not a jolly old elf.
And I shook when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head,
Soon made me suspect I had plenty to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went back to his work,
Stocking the cigarettes, then turned with a jerk.
(I'll try to finish as fast as I can...)
Grabbing my stuff, out the door I ran.

Jack?

He sprang to his feet, to his dog gave a whistle.
It was too busy gnawing a deer leg with gristle.
Yet I heard him exclaim ere I sped out of sight,
"It was just a bad dream!  Merry Christmas!  Goodnight!"

I've been feeling unprepared...those lost sick days!  LOL!

Note:  Pictures courtesy of Google Images


9 comments:

Holly- Cutie Pie Cottage said...

Ha-ha-ha! I can relate! I have cooking night mares. Ha-ha-ha! It goes something like this: I have 20people coming over for dinner and right before they get there, I start cooking 3 chicken legs. I also am always prepared for guests so??? ♥

Lynn said...

omg!!! You are soo funny. You should send that in for publishing!!! It is amazing!!! I can relate too. I have not done any shopping but guess what, we are not doing presents this year. So, I just have to pick up a few little goodies for my great nephews and I am done!! We buy for each other all year long, my children are struggling-don't want them to spend their money on presents for us-their love is enough!
My house is decorated, the baking and making of treats to eat will be done to next week, I have been blessed with goodies galore from the ladies in my blog world, and Christmas is a time to celebrate that love came down at Christmas in the form of a child who would later lay down his life and die so that we make live !!!
Big hugs to you and your family now quit eating a bad sandwhich before bed LOL
Hugs

retrorevival.biz said...

Hahaha! What a funny post, Shirley! Unfortunately, I'm living the nightmare myself ~ no decorations up, no wrapping done, no baking! Ugh, I've been swamped with orders! Hoping I'll get to some Christmas enjoyment tomorrow:)

~Cindy

Toni said...

Shirley-That was so funny! Thanks for the laugh. I just returned from a mad dash to Kohls & Belk - how dare I think I was done. You really should sent this for publication. ( still chuckling)

pattipie said...

If only I was as clever as you! I remember you telling me of the recurring nightmare. I have a had a similar one where my teenage kids are unwrapping their presents only to find socks and underwear! I hpe Josh isn't too upset this year! JK!! Great poem!

Lynn Stevens said...

hahaha thats so fuuny!!! I read it outload to my DH, even he got a kick out of it!!!
Sounds like you have nothing to worry about though!
Happy Holidays!
hugs Lynn

Sandy said...

This is every Mom's nightmare...believe I have had this one few times....LOL GREAT post! Love the poem! Merry Christmas Shirley! Sandy

Betsy said...

Hysterical! That made me laugh out loud. You really should try to get this published. You are so talented!

We have done NO Christmas shopping! But now that our kids are older (and no grandkids to buy for) there's no real pressure. Hopefully we won't have to resort to the local 7-11!

Tammy's in Love said...

I went here for the Christmas cowboy story which I loved and then rolled into this EPIC poem and got started giggling. I think for 2012 we might need a BEST OF SHIRLEY re-run! This is so funny and cute, I laughed till I cried and then some!